Living Battling with depression is hard enough as it is. Try being a multipassionate person who gets pulled in all directions, even when she’s hanging by a thread to stay focused. Sometimes, it feels like 24 hours isn’t enough. How can you possibly pursue your passions when standing up from bed requires all the energy you can muster upon waking up?
Depression and Multipassionality
Multipassionate (adj.) someone who finds it difficult to answer the question, “What do you want to become in the future?”
I don’t know what’s more difficult, having no idea of what your future might look like or seeing yourself jumping from place to place within a day to keep up with all the careers you’re trying to keep. Keeping a career when you have depression can be overwhelming, all the more when you’re dealing with so many of them.
How can you find the energy, the grit to pursue your passions? How do you deal with the overwhelming feeling of being not good enough, of “just wasting your time?”
Is Balance a Thing?
It’s the question that pops into my head more often than I’m comfortable. Self-care should always come first. I know that. Everyone knows that. What’s the line between self-care and self-coddling, though? When you stretch, meditate, eat healthy, exercise, journal, drink a matcha latte, does it remove the feeling of being a fraud?
Tell me if this feels familiar. Someone, probably a new coworker, asks you what you do for a living. You say you’re a researcher, who also paints, who also makes a living by writing. They say you have so many things on your plate, and the second thing they’ll ask is what you do for fun — if you ever have that luxury. You say you read books, journal, play with your dogs. Maybe you’re feeling a little honest at that moment and admit that you’re also binge-watching a new season of a psychological thriller on Netflix. You don’t need to say all these things to a stranger, but you can’t help it. The need for approval sits deep within you. You go home, only to find yourself drained in front of your desk. Maybe you’re not all those things you just told your coworker. It’s harrowing. That feeling of knowing at some level that you’re all those things, and none of them at the same time.
When you claim that you’re passionate about a lot of things but only have a limited number of hours during the day to do them, what do you do first? When your depression hinders you from doing even the things that are “just for fun,” what then?
I’m Okay with That
What kept you reading? Perhaps you thought I have some magical recipe to having it all, despite MDD, despite feeling like a fraud. I’m sorry, Friend. I don’t have it.
I still wake up 4 hours after my alarm went off, especially when my pillows are still damp from my tears the night before, and I’m okay with that. There are days when the stars line up and the day goes exactly as planned. I’m okay with that, too. Sometimes, I miss a routine two days in a row, pushing back my deadline, possibly inconveniencing the people around me. They tell me it’s okay to need some help, to not do everything in a day. I still don’t believe them — sometimes — and I’m okay with that. There are evenings when I bite my tongue because I know an episode is coming, and there’s a big chance that I’d hurt someone with my words. There are times when I feel like a ticking time bomb, and the only thing I could do is mitigate the damage. That means spending most of my worst moments alone, and I’ve got okay with that. Whatever this is, however ugly this can be, it’s mine. And it’s not like cupcakes, this one, I’m okay not to share with anyone.
Of course, there are days when I don’t feel okay with any of it. I keep telling myself I’m okay with it, and I’ll keep telling myself that until it becomes true. I think I’ll be okay with that.