I was asked to recreate my previous studies just a few months ago. Many of my friends were wondering what I was feeling when I made these artworks almost three years ago. Back then, I just thought, “Oh I’m just trying out this painting thing. I can only afford three colors — blue, black, and white — so I’ll just use these colors.”

People thought I used blue because I felt melancholic. Back then, I picked blue because I could only afford three colors, and according to an art book I was reading, blue was the hardest color to procure back when artists were mixing their own paint. They could only create the color using a precious and very rare rock called lapis lazuli. Using only hues of blue in my painting made me feel precious as well.

But after seeing these paintings after two years, I felt the isolation and depression I felt back when I was just starting to paint flowers. Yes, I was an amateur, and yes, I could only afford three colors, but these paintings were dark. I realized I couldn’t recreate these small paintings anymore, because I am in a better place now. I’m also less concerned with perfection now than I was before, so I thought that this can be a great opportunity to make mistakes and try what I’ve been wanting to try since I bought my painting knives.

I was not happy with the result, to be honest. The painting is so much lighter and happier, but I think it’s lacking something. I already signed it, but I may add a few more elements to it in a few days. I’m glad to have enjoyed using painting knives, though. I also liked the strong contrast between the shadows and the highlights. What I loved most is not having to worry about every stroke in the painting. It was just so freeing to mix the color in the palette and just lay the colors there in the canvas.