Sihay

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

– Plato

I’m glad I started this year with this book. I was supposed to continue reading a novel I started last year but had to put it down after a few chapters. The scenes just hit so close to home, and I’m not ready to relive my childhood trauma just yet this early in the year. So I picked this charming book, hoping it would drag me out of my rut. I wasn’t disappointed.

Being Comfortable Without Effort is an upbeat, self-help book written and illustrated by Soo-hyun Kim. In summary, it’s a manual for having better relationships with yourself and others using the least effort. This is a friend’s copy, and I hope he doesn’t mind that I annotated the sh*t out of his book. There were a lot of nuggets of wisdom on every page, and it was a pleasure to read because of Kim’s illustrations.

I already set my reading goals for the year, and what better way to start than with an easy read to put me in a better mood during the first week of the year. It was the first time I read an illustrated self-help book and one that uses TV shows and anecdotes as references instead of psychology studies and books. It was refreshing. I laughed out loud a couple of times to earn the stink eye from a guy at a coffee shop.

Like Kim, I’m guilty of being too hard on myself, whatever that means. I was repeatedly warned by colleagues, friends, mentors, and even my therapist about my perfectionism, my need to always be the hardest worker in the room. I don’t see it as a problem; I’ve always had time affluence in every job I’ve had, so I don’t really feel the pressure from anyone. I set goals for myself and strive hard to check things off my list. In my head, I’m not really overstretching myself. I’m working on these things of my own volition and at my own pace, after all. It’s just that, I tinker on several professional and personal projects at once, so things easily pile up on my list.

I thought you could never give a wrong answer to a question during therapy. I thought every answer you give is a window to your psyche and therefore helpful to your well-being. She advised me to ask myself this question whenever I feel overwhelmed, “Maia, what do you need?” So that’s what I did that week.

T: And what did you tell yourself?

M: That I NEED to finish the tasks.

T: Not rest? Not sleep? Forget your list for a minute. Maybe what you really need is rest.

M: ??? but… I can rest… after the list.

She had a comical understanding but frustrated face after what I said. We both laughed.

At this point, I don’t know why I care this much anymore. I’ve already earned the respect and admiration of my parents, which was why this whole thing started. I can honestly say that I’m proud of myself. And despite aspiring for more and striving for continuous growth in all aspects of my life, I’m content with what I have now. I guess I care so much just because I don’t know any other way. I’m working hard and obsessing about things out of habit.

After a few more exchanges with my therapist, I finally conceded, and begrudgingly agreed that I needed rest. I highly suggest you read the book, but here are a few quotes that helped me get out of my rut.

1. If you were to say that you haven’t done anything, you’re probably underestimating “living your life.” Living is like standing on a wave. Simply holding out without falling down requires enormous effort and energy.
2. You can’t decide whom to meet in life. If you drive on the road and encounter an obstinate driver, you have to maintain a safe distance to avoid accidents.
3. Even if we consider a responsible, meticulous, and perfectionist character desirable, this kind of personality is melancholic… Since all their strength is used up fighting their own minds, they are left with no more energy to solve the actual problem.
4. What we need to be free from the past and move forward isn’t blame, but sympathy.
5. People choose to fight because they can’t tolerate peace. We need strength to tolerate peace.
6. Your apology may not always be accepted… but there’s nothing to lose in giving a sincere apology. Even late apologies are good.
7. Although dreams, passion, and achievements are all good, it’s always “you” that matters most.
8. If you want to know what love is, try embracing someone around you. That warmth is the essence of love.

Sometimes, life gets to be easy. I’m learning this every day. We tightly-wounded kids must try not to complicate things whenever sitting back and accepting are one of the options.